Why Must We Judge?

As I have mentioned in earlier posts, my culture is very important to me. I honestly hold the view that to see where you want to go you must turn around and reflect on where you’ve been. However, it’s within this introspection that I began to ponder on a topic that isn’t much discussed by Asians, a kind of taboo that we hold if you will.

The subject of this post, if not indicated by the title, is to discuss and understand the reservations that we hold as BAME communities and the impact it has on others. It certainly isn’t to say that our culture is bad or that as BAME we need to do more work than other cultures but, due to my own limited experiences in life, it is all I can talk about with some knowledge and experience.

My household is comprised of two parents, three siblings and five nieces and nephews. We essentially hold three generations of ideology under one family with my dad and mum being representative of ideologies held by the elders in the community, my siblings holding the merged ideologies of India and 1980s Britain and with me holding an ideology similar to contemporary Britain. We operate with a classical Indian framework, however, with my father and mother at the head of the proverbial table, my eldest brother taking on the role as successor (as do most eldest sons in Asian households) and my other siblings sitting behind him, with me lower due to my age. This is a hierarchal structure that I’ve observed in many households and whilst it erodes and takes a back seat most of the time, important family events and a closer look into the running of the household show remnants of this structure lurking in the background.

Since I was a kid, I’ve never really looked at my family as distinct to the norm or thought about the subconscious biases that they held. My ignorance to it probably stemmed from my own inherited biases and the fact that I’d been brought up around many like-minded people. The idea of male and female roles never struck me as anything out of the normal and the fact that my dad wouldn’t cook and my mum had to every day struck me as something that just had to be done. I didn’t even question why my mum was a housewife when she had a university degree until I started to look into my career. The hierarchy that I saw prevail in my household as well as several others looked the same to me and is representative of society as a whole, where males are given impetus and females put at a lower position. Of course, such differences are relative to the household and the culture we all subsume under our respective communities and ideologies. But the general idea was that nothing was the matter.


LGBTWHAT?
 
This all changed about five years ago when my friend, and for the sake of anonymity let’s call him James, told me that he was gay. He told me that he struggled to come out for quite some time and although he wasn’t sure if he wants to stick to a label, he just wanted to tell me that he liked men and that was his preference. I was ecstatic. I thought the whole idea that he would come out and tell me was great, a testament to our friendship and the fact that he could say it and be free was great for him too. But it was when I asked him how long he knew that my understanding of normality changed. He had revealed to me that he knew for a while but that he was apprehensive about telling me at first and that he thought I may be judgemental, as had some of our other friends. James explained that the cultural differences between him and I meant that perhaps I wouldn’t be as open to his coming out as he may have wanted but that he trusted me and told me anyways. To be honest, I didn’t know what cultural differences he was referring to, but not wanting to ruin the mood of his happy announcement, I left it at that and carried on with my day.

It was on the way home that day that the replays started in my head of him telling me about his apprehension. I wondered the whole journey home if I knew anyone in my community who was a part of the LGBTQ+ community that I could tell James about to remove his preconception of me and my community. But, despite all my efforts, I couldn’t find one. Finally getting home, I ate my dinner and at the next family get together that weekend I asked the question. “Dad, do we know anyone who’s gay or lesbian?”. A silence fell onto the room.

The conversation point was ignored just as I identified another rung into the social ladder and hierarchy within my community, the LGBTQ+ community right at the bottom. It is because of this that I reached out recently to my friends who are part of the LGBTQ+ community and come from BAME households to find some perspective. I asked them about their experiences and thoughts on the matter. A brave few did stand forth and tell me their heart-wrenching stories, they answered my enquiries and explained their experiences.


Pride and (facing) Prejudice? 

Stories of fear, anger, hatred and bigotry came flying into my messages. I saw the trepidation that some felt at the prospect of losing their family. The estrangement others felt from their culture due to their lifestyle. The conflict that befell them on their journey and even thoughts of distancing themselves from their loved ones in hopes to find a more accepting, peaceful life.  Some told their families about their disposition and received warm welcomes but most didn’t. They continue to have to live a lie for the sake of keeping up appearances.

So here I want to ask why. Why is it that we judge others because of their lifestyle?  Why can we talk about everything but LGBTQ+ openly? Why was there silence at my question? Why must we judge?

In my survey to my friends and other people who associated both with BAME communities and LGBTQ+, I found that the conversation was limited between them and their community. The vocabulary didn’t exist within their households to openly have these topics of discussions. Fear through cultural and ideological routes had dumbfounded parents when coming to face their children’s’ reality and it left neglect in its wake. The bigotry and hate portrayed by some was just a reflection of their lack of knowledge and acceptance.

I don’t condone any judgemental behaviour and honestly hold the belief that we ought to live and let live. This isn’t a sermon that everyone must become allies to the issues faced by others because I’m not an idealist who proclaims that ‘everything will be alright’. Instead, I ask that we understand rather than persecute ideological and lifestyle differences.

I dont blame you, or anyone (really, I don't)

Religious foundations to some beliefs also came up in these conversations I had and it was a point of view I knew all too well. The theocratic way of thinking was something I was exposed to in my community as well as in life in general. The idea that scripture ought to be followed is one that I continue to adopt as I look to scripture when making decisions, in the search of becoming a better person. I, therefore, sympathise with those who hold religious views and ground much of their lives in them. I would never dare suggest that someone give them up either because that’s not my place. I also empathise with the importance BAME communities place on religion as it shapes so many cultural philosophies.

But I also stress the importance of reading scripture yourself with an open mind. We often hear stories about sins and use them to create a judgement about others, making a subconscious malice towards whole groups of people along the way. We view the life choices of others through a limited lens and can't see the whole picture because of the fixation we have on specific parts of scripture. I stress that we read because I find that although religion is so important, it preaches a universal idea of acceptance and non-judgement. We are told that ‘sodomy is sin’ but also that we oughtn’t cast a stone unless we’re without sin. The fact is that tier lists for sin don’t work and in the 21st century, we’d be hard-pressed to find anyone pure enough as a human to caste their judgement onto another human.

As humans, we have a natural propensity to view an image in a thousand ways, to interpret things as many ways as we can conceive, to stretch our minds. But we often fall into a trap of judging someone by one part of their lifestyle. We obsess over details when there’s more to a person than their sexuality or predisposition. The footballer who’s gay isn’t less than one who’s straight and to judge them based on sexuality is intrinsically wrong when we should judge them on how they play. Similarly to judge a human on the gender or sexuality they are is just as wrong. We are, to quote Shrek, ‘like an onion’ with many facets and layers and just because you ideologically differ with one layer doesn’t mean you discard the rest.

Other than this, however, I came across another reason for why acceptance of LGBTQ+ is an issue for some. It was a nugget of wisdom I got from one of my siblings. For us as a BAME community, oppression is something that we have faced to varying degrees. We have been persecuted, segregated, enslaved and been subjected to unconscious and conscious prejudice. This may be another reason as to why we, as a community, find it so hard to accept lifestyles that seem different to us. We can't stand to think that our future generations would have to deal with the same issues we did once upon a time. Through this, then, some people are apprehensive about exposing their children to a lifestyle because they think it may ‘rub off’ on them or dilute the cultural ideologies that they hold.

But this ideology too simply shows a lack of understanding on the part of many. Being LGBTQ+ isn’t a choice, it's a lifestyle people are born with and to assume that the presence of someone from that community somehow corrupts your own seems in itself ironic. After all, there was a time when BAME communities were seen as the same. The spice in our food, the fragrance of our bodies and the colour of our skin would be seen as something to be avoided or displayed like animals. We were the outcast for so long but now that we’re doing the same to another community we think it's okay? I was once told that the root of most fear was a lack of knowledge and I fear it's this combined with a lack of want to gain knowledge that fuels our biases as a community to this day. We need to come out and support one another otherwise why did we struggle for years? Why did we wave the flag of equality?

 Harmony instead of Bigotry

The BAME community is a wonderful place with so many fantastic people in there. We have banded together and become further united in the front to progression and happiness. But why must we judge? Why do we expect so much but give so little at times? This isn’t a blanket piece about everyone as I know of families that are amazing and accepting. It's instead a call to give up some of the biases and crutches that we’ve built up around us for whatever reason. I don’t suggest that religion or past issues we’ve faced are problems in themselves, or the only two things that may factor into our ideology. I merely asked questions and am trying to relay answers to you in the hopes of bridging an age-old gap. The hierarchal structures that we hold are slowly but surely eroding but when they do it's important not to estrange a whole group or take them out of a new forming system.

For anyone who’s read this and feels they need help please leave a comment and I will be sure to send links to mental health and QTPOC charities that can aid you. And a great thank you to the contributors for this blog post for helping me write this.